remembering my shoulder blades
he taught me how to open a beer bottle with my teeth
standing in front of my bathroom mirror,
an arm thrown round my shoulders,
sharpened pre-molars,
& finally remembered my name.
skin like skim, sucked out the fat,
left me with the rim, the thin,
the bleeding doormat.
acrylic meets uvula, how it begins.
never recalled the chorus or the lyrics,
never recalled becoming sick.
just youthful figure, keep it mindful.
let them get a load, a spine full.
no more mac & cheese,
making love to the toilet seat.
or at least a good make out sesh.
at least call me pretty when dawning this flesh.
stunning. gorgeous. be careful not to lose it.
so far removed from the ability to choose it.
& most entitled to take up space when i take up the least,
afraid to keep spreading, west to east.
north to south, central isn’t real.
doesn’t matter how you feel.
the spirit of the mirror, reflection in the scale.
i still didn’t love me, even frail.
neither did they, if i face the truth.
shoulder blades didn’t make them stay, just easily bruised.
i wondered what disappointment they’d carry if face-to-face with this now frame,
but one said the old was too much, too wilted, needed to gain.
& one said the flat was unwanted, more was needed.
uprooted, resoiled, reseeded.
adolescent glow, i’m fading in the mist.
i am more than desire, but i don’t feel it.
just a pretty picture, growing uglier with age.
i understand dorian, his picture, & his rage.
i want to be more than a mask,
but what’s underneath is too grotesque.
i am a body & nothing more.
but bodies tell the stories, they always keep the score.
her cheekbones & collars, i think of her often.
of ripping her out of her frozen coffin.
she lives in me, but she never lived at all,
always caught up, cannot see, never saw
her own reflection as worthy of love,
as worthy of friendship,
just push & shove.
the more the blades cowered, the harsher she deserved.
beauty, after all, is how love is earned.
she makes me weep,
her haunting mumbles keep me from sleep.
she wanted gentleness, but could never keep.
i try to dig her out, just sharpening spades.
but under it all, she dawns the same shoulder blades.
