cheers

The Cheers theme song is finally starting to make some sense,

after spending a lifetime wanting to hide in places where no one knew me.

The disintegration of platonic love that splintered me

seemingly every time I turned my head to the left,

left me thirteen & shivering on the floor of my best friend’s living room

while the others all discussed my flaws,

picking apart my follicles with their fangs

while they thought I was sleeping.

I have been fearful of friendship.

The vulnerability like a vacuum,

twisted into a noose, a dagger,

every time I inched closer.

I desire permanency,

loyalty & enclosure.

Everything feels like abandonment.

A reminder that I am stomach ache,

that I am liquidity & toilet bowl stains.

I understand that I am to blame.

Who could hold, who could want to hold,

dizzy flesh & rancid chicken salad &

ice cold steel.

So I carve myself into caves,

claustrophobia digging me into petroglyphs.

Afraid that poking even one toe out of the sleeping bag,

will shoot me back to sleepovers & cyanide

& an empty two-bedroom apartment.

But I followed the glow of the fire anyway,

letting it guide me to solace, to deep breaths.

To libraries & a scarf wrapped round my frigid hands.

Melting.

Where laying my organs out on the table

is not an autopsy

but an invitation,

a love letter.

There are no more snow balls,

no pillow fights I never signed up for,

no snickerings,

unafraid to turn my head left.

Unafraid of being left

out or behind or forgotten

in the dry ice.

It’s humbling to crumble

& be swept up

rather than blown away.

To be cradled where others dropped.

To be included where others forgot.

There’s guilt laced up in every white blood cell,

every sigh rolled in shame.

Now the bits that bleed black are safe,

are home,

tucked in tight,

where everybody knows my name.