thoughts

saturn’s returned & i would like to know what i did to cronus to deserve this vengeance. [be born & blessed enough to live long enough to make it back again.] not a punishment, but everything feels like scolding to me, like hot oil leaping from the pan to my distracted cheek. no more backseat driving. no more draw & quartering. you can slip into the lava or dive in head over heels for the first time in your life, take some responsibility for the pennies you’ve tossed down the well & jump in after them. i’m used to the freefall, being clawed up by passing bricks, reaching out to slow the spins. every minor trip becomes an avalanche, all i know how to do is snowball. the mind is split in two, the i & the you. i simply do & you say no, not like that, try try again. persist. or give in. give up. you’ll never be good enough. i am just a child. you are fully grown. growner than you’ve ever known. growner than you ever thought you’d be. but i am still confused, still frightened, still haven’t grown into my feet, still don’t understand why my friends are mean to me. why some people leave & some people stay. why saying the wrong thing makes the people go away, but the same freedom is not afforded to me. but sugar’s not as sweet & it’s a crime to love me for me. when i & you go walking, i do the talking & you the correcting. i do the laughing & you the inspecting. i am fraught with thought & too many emotions. quivering & shivering left out in the grass to frost bite. i’s voice grows smaller & yours much taller. see you can move states & start over but you take their critiques & their laser projections each step of the way. can’t outrun their voices, weld them to the crown moldings in your brain. no noise canceling headphones can drown out the sound of belittlement that rattles the skull like a twenty-four hour rave with shitty speakers. i am weaker & you make me stronger. the solstice passes, the days grow longer, but doubt still sharpens, staggers. guilt unfurls her claws like daggers. i am so bad at moving on, at letting go, of not letting the missing control me completely. sometimes i feel like a costume someone else is wearing. an animatronic suit with loads of buttons & gadgets inside. he says he’s a robot, but i am a shell casing. my essence has exploded outwardly & left nothing but shrapnel in its wake. i could still be someone. i could still do good. you would have to actually believe that, actually try, to achieve that. each thought is a sling shot, a seesaw. teeter from one extreme to the next. i am asking for help. you don’t deserve it. i need it. figure it out on your own. debate club champion with the rebuttal built in. he deactivated his account & i feel responsible. like i shouldn’t have shut him out even though i’m just a hockey puck to him. i’m tired of reacting, of feeding the cats just because they scream. need some distance, some ability to not play a symphony of all his worst thoughts of me constantly. okay you’re selfish. okay you’re weak. but repetition of these phrases does not inspire changes. it inspires sleep. isolation. detachment. ignorance & all its bliss be damned! removal is the only power that remains. not power over him but power over myself to protect what little remains. it’s not about blame. his honesty is his truth but you do not have to embody it, embrace it, press your head to the door jamb & measure yourself against it. you do not have to engage or lie down & take it. neither one of you has the key to the other. you both show up to knife fights with glocks trying to blast off the locks. you cannot love him enough to make it better. but you can love yourself again & better. this was supposed to be about you & i, not about us. but every thought i have is tangled up in this mess & the only way to undo the knots is time & space & offering myself the same grace i wish to bestow on him. hypocrites & nightmares, both of us. you & i & he & she & us & we. imperfect though it all be. cannot be grown until free. set it down, let it stretch, let it graze, & let it be.