or don't

walked past a pile of human shit in the train station parking lot & thought back to my first year in new york & my classmate telling me about another pile of human shit on the corner of 14th & broadway & how excited i was to pass it on my walk home that day because it made me feel more connected to the city, like an initiation to the streets i’d call home for the next ten years. i thought it would be forever, you know, like i have with everyone i’ve ever said i love you to. & honestly, i can’t believe i was ever so honest with him, with anyone, about how i feel. i have mastered the illusion of transparency & honesty. i’ve perfected the art of showing off the flaws i am most ashamed of. of stripping off my clothes & spreading my lips so wide, i couldn’t even begin to cage the flow of subconsciousness. but my mouth is a prison cell. jailbreak my jaw. love me for the places i am most split, most devoured, most crumbling, & offensive. love me for the madness, the alcoves, for the trembling fists i raise to myself. love me. or don’t. but i am no longer play-doh, no longer clay you can mold into different mugs or vases or ashtrays. my malleability never made me lovable. so love me. or don’t. i am no longer a beggar. & i won’t make demands. won’t melt the sand into glass. won’t try to shape you into a lover if all you want is a shot of liquor & a blow job in the bar bathroom. my ass has pressed against more graffitied walls & wobbling sinks than i could begin to count. my thighs stuck to more vinyl barstools, parted & welcoming, than you would be comfortable knowing. point being, i am the one on my knees & the one pushing your head down. it’s not a part to play, it is my essence, my being. love me. or don’t. but touch me. drape me in velvet underneath the running water & exhale into my mouth like you’re shotgunning a hit straight to my pelvis. someone else can love me, will love me. will lather me, rinse me, repeat me. will brush my hair & look into my eyes & find all the sunflowers i’ve hidden between the landmines. but there’s time for that later. time to be covered in rose hips, ambrosia, & moss. satin & sapphire. time still to drag whispers from closed throats & learn to play the violin. all i want from you is all you want from me. just don’t make me surrender, minimize, smuggle myself across the border. just hold out your palm & take me. love me, if you want. if you can. if you so choose. love me. or don’t. just don’t.