heavy
Sometimes I’m just so lonely & I don’t know what to do with my heart. I want to rip it out of my chest & pound it with my fists until it beats correctly or loses those last 5 pounds or I don’t know but I just need it to stop being so dense & so loud all the time. How does everyone just walk around with such loud minds & such weighty hearts? What do you do with all the dead weight? Where does it go when you cut it out? They say recycling’s a scam anyway. & I’m tired too my eyes are heavy too the bags are sooty & sagging & how does everyone sleep with their arms under their torsos & with their eyes so heavy & their brains so loud & their hearts rotting, rotting, rancid? How do the humans do their dance how do they parade? I watch & I listen & I read but none of it makes sense to me the counting breaths the thoughts scroll by the five things you can see the four things you can touch & is my hand real anyway it doesn’t think it cannot be right? Right?! What do I know? Everything I know is that I know nothing & I stumble & I scramble & every day is the same race & I’m losing I’m losing I’m losing every time & I can only spew anger & vitriol until I’m in the car alone & then it’s just breaking down screeeeeeeech & screams & I COULD HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY but I’m not I’m not I failed I failed I’m failing the human experience again & again & I know I can’t I know I know I hear you God I know I swear I know but still this this this is it this is what it all comes back to whenever I have to cradle myself I don’t know how to love me gently I don’t know how & I want to let it go let it down I want to be Rapunzel & let it down I want to lay it down at your feet & I want you to not kick dirt all over it I want I want I don’t know what I want, do you? Does anyone? Can I still be a universe filled to the brim with galaxies can I still can I still have a heart beat in outer space I can’t remember how gravity works when the emotions flood like this I I can’t remember my name when it does I want to save her I want to crawl back to the grave & dig her out & hold her safe but it’s still not safe it’s not safe it’s never safe how do I feel safe when will it be safe I can’t keep choking on this fear it’s got me by the throat & my limbs are buzzing, a swarm in my skin cells in my throat it’s all just buzzing til it’s nothing til it’s gone the bees the bees it’s so loud again how how how do I make silence how do I make space how do I make peace & how do I make safe & how & how & how do I make safe?
