the truth about black holes

some loves may not be loves at all, it doesn’t really matter. ‘cause at the end of the day, they’re all just suction. they’re all just blood oaths & ouija boards & misplaced assumptions. they’re all the same process, routine, flow: masticate, satiate, ingratiate. go! & they grow. & i shrink. & i sink, separate. like oil in water. like someone else’s daughter. i worship at the porcelain throne, tzarina, el rey, i am all but known. dentist chairs & half-burnt coal, it always comes back to black holes. & pissed off goddesses, & false gods, & shattered crosses. genuflection bruised my knees, the purging tore my throat. obsession’s how i believed, fixation’s how i coped. they couldn’t see me, all they could do was hold. grip. like rope through knot, all i could do was slip. choke. strangulation. suffocation. their hands & my own. a finger & a uvula, whenever i’m alone. cold & clammy. warm & strong. elegant, filed, always wrong. mine & his & hers, it’s ours. the blood on my tongue, it’s putrid, sour. venus laughed, athena cried. hermes would have preferred i died. gin & beer & peach iced tea. coke & ketamine & satan’s weed. sugar, venom, tiger’s claws. russian roulette & broken jaws. i whispered prayers for them each night, prayed a real god would give them sight. prayed that i could keep the food down — without the sin, without the sound. without the guilt & the hate & the spine, twisted ‘round the bowl like a vine. i thought it was love, that’s what i thought. i thought it was love, twisted & raw. i thought it was love & that’s how love felt — an emptying, a soreness, a soul that melts. a stomach of steel, an esophagus crushed, mirror shards, & cheeks left flushed. i wanted venus, i wanted the sun. i flew too close & had to run. when did fear become so radiant? when did it begin to glow? a broken neck? my broken pearls? i truly do not know. i won’t regret love, i won’t regret care, but i’m sorry i let you steal my air. the spark in my eyes, the weight on my hips. i’m sorry i ever let you past these lips. i won’t regret, i will not linger. i will not suffer from my own finger. you’re all the same, i see it clear. it may have been love (or not), but it was dear. unnecessary. inevitable. & it was all true. but i’m better off without any of you.