goodness gracious

I am trying to believe that I am still good

despite the fact that my actions have not all been good,

despite the fact my words have often been sour, cruel,

despite the fact that I chose a lover who hated me 

over my best friend who loved me

& missed the change to spring

& their birthday

& the death of their father.

Despite the fact I chose to hang my soul from the rafters for someone who would not even hang my clean laundry from the line I was too short to reach.

I am trying to believe I am still good

despite the fact I failed to believe my departure could cause any harm,

& that my fibs could create lacerations in another’s soul

just to protect my peace.

I am trying to believe I am still good.

So maybe I recite my Act of Contrition

& serve my penance 

even if no one is around to hear it.

Even if no god can find it in them to forgive me,

maybe I can forgive me.

Maybe I can recall what has made me good:

helping a few tourists get home to Australia,

committing a felony to save a stranger’s life,

supporting the artists when I had extra to give.

Maybe I can recall that there is love all around me & even sometimes it is about me & it is for me & I can deserve it even when I have not earned it 

& maybe I can be good even though I am not always 

& maybe the sour & the cruel do not always outweigh my sweet, my tender,

my trying to be better.

Maybe it isn’t always black & white 

or blame & be blamed.

Maybe it’s not all night & day,

Maybe there’s a lot more love to the gray,

Maybe I’m not all good & that’s okay.

Maybe we all are & are still worthy anyway.