Play-Doh
i float above subway tracks with a razor blade tucked under my tongue –just in case.
–just in case the white mice scurry up again
–just in case the flower pots all tumble down on me again.
–just in case…
when the caramel apples stop pulling out your baby teeth, switch to chewing gum. and when the chewing gum gives you TMJ, switch to blow jobs.
and when no one wants to cum on your face anymore,
switch to tea.
i’ve pretended to be wise for so long, i’m not sure life has actually taught me a damn thing:
–don’t write your own prophecy.
–don’t scoop out your bagel.
(either eat your carbs or don’t).
i still feel immense guilt over things i said at twelve,
and over things i can’t control,
and over things i eat.
i still have to pray to fall asleep,
and dress up for Halloween,
and break vases in my esophagus
to feel human.
i stretch my skin over my bones every morning
when muscles and sinews and ear lobes
crawl and scrape their way back together.
i worry too much what they think about me:
–Jesus
–Lenin
–eight-year-old me.
Am i human?
When the elevator doors close,
–do you count the beeps or watch the lights?
–do you hit your vape?
–do you ball up your fists?
i am sinewy when i rise like origami from clammy palms,
but often i melt before my neck even lifts.
–am i as full as i’ve pretended?
–am i as empty as i’ve imagined?
am i?
–I am.
–I am.
–I am.
but perhaps my heart brags too much.
[perhaps i am.]
do i think?
is Descartes curled up in my decolletage?
whispers pass through me as if illuminated by toxic sludge and megaphones.
there are spiders inside me and my arachnophobia sizzles as self-flagellation.
my stomach rumbles, soiled by past manipulations.
do I fear fear itself?
what am I afraid of?
(too real).
just take a deep breath and let the train exhaust tire out your lungs.
i yawn like windchimes and get tipsy on morning dew,
waiting for God to respond to last night’s drunk prayers
recited over the naked, echoing body of yet another hand to hold.
there are still monsters wrapped around my uvula,
but I don’t want you to see that.
i just want to be Play-Doh and let you make me what you wish.
